Chapter 15: Expanding Spirituality
I continued searching for materials, books and podcasts to expand my spiritual nourishment that year, bringing me into that deepening, rounded spirituality that made sense for me.
It’s a strange thing to be writing about a painful spiritual transition while currently feeling deep in the mud of grief, pain, stress and depression. I put off writing this next chapter because my depression has been really heavy for a month and I just couldn’t bring myself to write. I’m finally feeling like I can write again.
Along with other factors, the grief and heartbreak from my divorce is so overwhelming. I don’t know when or if it will ever go away. I know that healing takes time, but sometimes the anguish is suffocating. I’m not sure if I’m ready to write more about that. Maybe. For now, the saga of my spiritual storm continues, taking a look at the year 2019.
Confession: I never really got into the Come Follow Me curriculum. Gasp!
The use of the new curriculum started in January 2019 as a home-centered, Church-supported approach to gospel study. I tried and tried again to get in the habit of using the manual to guide me in my personal scripture study, but it just didn’t interest me. Not that I don’t have things to learn or principles to review, but I longed for something different to supplement my scripture reading. I was leaning towards a more expansive spirituality outside of the LDS narrative and culture, especially as I continued to feel hurt and gaslit by the church.
I continued searching for materials, books and podcasts to expand my spiritual nourishment that year. At first I felt tinges of guilt for looking outside the church materials, but that didn’t last for long. Each resource, book, podcast and spiritual teacher brought me into that deepening, rounded spirituality that made sense for me.
I read Siddartha by Herman Hesse1 for the first time and it really sparked something in me. I remember thinking, maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be. That we each have to have our own seeking, which includes sometimes going off the safe path, in order to learn the things we need to learn. That viewpoint is so different from what I’ve heard at church: hang on to the iron rod with all your might, and any time you are not following the church’s path with laser focus, we are being led by the devil.
“I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew.”
“He lost his Self a thousand times and for days on end he dwelt in non-being. But although the paths took him away from Self, in the end they always led back to it. Although Siddhartha fled from the Self a thousand times, dwelt in nothing, dwelt in animal and stone, the return was inevitable”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
My therapist told me about On Being with Krista Tippett2, a podcast in which Krista has conversations with a variety of people about spirituality, social healing, wisdom and the human experience. She starts off each interview asking the guest to describe the religious or spiritual background of their childhood. I first listened to episodes with John O’Donohue, Joanna Macy and Wangari Maathai, and I was hooked. I still refer back to John’s episode called “The Inner Landscape of Beauty.”3
“Beauty is about a more rounded, substantial becoming. And I think, when we cross a new threshold, that if we cross worthily, what we do is we heal the patterns of repetition that were in us that had us caught somewhere…So I think beauty, in that sense, is about an emerging fullness, a great sense of grace and elegance, a deeper sense of depth, and also a kind of homecoming for the enriched memory of your unfolding life.” - John O’Donohue
I read several of O’Donohue’s books: To Bless the Space Between Us; Walking in Wonder; Anam Cara.4
I think O’Donohue’s writings were some of the first ideas I read about embracing the mystery of life and spirituality, the unknown. That there is a kind of beautiful wonder in not knowing everything. I felt for the first time that I could let go of the pressure to have a rock solid testimony about every doctrine and aspect of the church. That pressure implies that you can only have a close relationship with God when you can stand at the pulpit and declare that you know with certainty that every doctrine and teaching of the church is true.
I had a creative artistic burst that year, partly due to a new medication for narcolepsy that helped me have more wakeful hours in the day. I played with watercolor and ink, text and texture, landscapes, earth tones and meaningful quotes. I also embarked on a summer-long inkmaking adventure, making inks from plants and other natural materials in our forest. It helped me build a deeper connection with Mother Earth, Her beauty, and Her healing power.
In my artwork, I used quotes and poems from authors that I discovered: Rumi, Kahlil Gibran and John Muir.
I read Tao Teh Ching, by Laozi5, entranced by the teachings of becoming in harmony with Tao, the “Way.”
I discovered the Austrian poet Rainer Marie Rilke when Joanna Macy talked about translating a book of his poems. I related so much to his yearning for spiritual understanding and a relationship with God in The Book of Hours: Love Poems to God.6
I read writings from Thich Nhat Hahn, a Vietnamese Buddhist poet, monk and teacher. I learned a lot about suffering and Buddhist spiritual practices from his book, No Mud, No Lotus : the Art of Transforming Suffering.7 I am a perpetual complainer, catastrophic thinker and have a lifetime of believing suffering is a punishment from God. Thick Nhat Hahn’s writings helped me gain more understanding of suffering. Instead of shaming myself for feeling burdened or suffering, or thinking it is a punishment from God for not being perfect, I learned to acknowledge suffering as part of the human experience, to not fight against it so much, and to be present in my suffering.
I often would feel very frustrated that when I asked Jesus to take away my suffering, my hardships, my pain, He didn’t. I thought I was doing something wrong. Shouldn’t I expect miracles from Him? But I began to see that Jesus is with us in our suffering more than he rescues us from it.
"The lotus cannot be there without the mud. Likewise, happiness can not be there without suffering. “
- Thich Nhat Hahn
I studied the words of Adyashanti in his books The Impact of Awakening8 and Falling Into Grace.9
To find what true happiness is, we must actually be willing to be disturbed, surprised, wrong in our assumptions - and cast into a very deep well of unknowing.
-Adyashanti
I started listening to A Thoughtful Faith10 podcast, hosted by Dr. Gina Colvin. I was relieved that there were other Mormons in the world with questions, a variety of personal spiritual experiences, and who found themselves needing to let go of extreme orthodoxy. Her guests were faith leaders, theologians, creatives, thinkers and survivors of religious fundamentalism.
In November I found the website for The Center for Action and Contemplation11. It was cofounded by Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest and internationally recognized author and spiritual leader. I signed up for the daily meditations and inspirational quotes, which didn’t always lead to meditation in the traditional way, but caused me to pause and be aware of myself and my breath. I have since read several of Rohr’s books; he is so wise and enlightening.
I enrolled in a class at the counseling center called Understanding your Inner Critic. It was a big step for me in understanding myself and my lifelong struggle with self loathing and self criticism. I learned so much, too much to write here, but one of the important realizations was that my inner critic developed in all her complexity to protect me. My brain did what she thought she was supposed to do. Protect and survive. In the class I was able to talk about the pain of carrying those critics around for so long. I feel that in the church we are taught that any critical or “bad” parts of ourselves are from the influence of the adversary. That is not helpful. It makes more sense that all the parts of us come from our circumstances, environment, self-beliefs, and life experiences.
I needed all this spiritual nourishment and connection with God, especially as I my marriage was strained by religious conflict and I continued to be hurt by the church.
Hesse, Hermann. Siddhartha. Dover Publications, 2000.
Krista Tippett, host. “A Wild Love for the World” with Joanna Macy. On Being with Krista Tippett. Original air date 9/16/2010.
Krista Tippett, host. “The Inner Landscape of Beauty” with John O’Donohue. On Being with Krista Tippett. Original air date 2/28/08.
O’Donohue, Jon. Anam Cara. Harper Perennial, 1998.
—To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings. Doubleday, 2008
—Walking in Wonder: Eternal Wisdom for a Modern World. Convergent Books, 2018.
Tzu, Lao. Tao Te Ching. Translated by Arthur Waley, Wordsworth Editions, 1996.
Rilke, Rainer Marie. Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God. Translated by Joanna Macy. Riverhead Books, 2005.
Hahn, Thich Nhat. No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering. Parallax Press, 2014.
Adyashanti. The Impact of Awakening. Open Gate Sangha; 3rd Edition, 2013.
Adyashanti. Falling into Grace: Insights on the End of Suffering. Sounds True, 2013.
Gina Colvin, host. A Thoughtful Faith. athoughtfulfaith.org. 2019