Chapter 16: The Sea Our Path
I received the strong impression that God was saying "the sea is our path": sometimes calm, sometimes stormy, up and down and certainly not straight (pun intended).
I continued living in a religious whiplash. One day I would find meaning in a Rilke poem, and the next, hear more about a damaging church policy. On Sunday I would feel the spirit among the kids in Primary, but be baffled by a General Conference talk. The distress was never caused by my ward members and friends, who are amazing, accepting and loving people. It was the stuff that came from the top, from men in suits who I had trusted my entire life. Each injury was another blow to my trust and faith in them.
These church issues continued to put stress on my mixed-faith marriage. At that time, Josh was the only person I felt I could talk to about my spiritual anguish, so every time another upsetting church event happened, we would get into another emotionally charged discussion about it.
With each discussion, Josh was not only angry about the topic at hand, but was infuriated at the church for harming me. He could see first hand my anguish, confusion, hurt and anger. He was completely baffled that I was staying. Josh had found the self-protective part of himself that wouldn’t tolerate the spiritual gaslighting and abuse. He left the church for his own well being. I couldn’t fathom calling them abusers. At first I tried to defend the leaders and give them the benefit of the doubt, but that grew tiring.
I was trying to hang on to the parts of church that I still found uplifting for me, while trying to be understanding of Josh’s feelings. I tried so hard. We made compromises: the missionaries could come for dinner, but not to share a message; our ministering brother could visit occasionally, but was asked not to talk about church stuff. We had already stopped paying tithing, focusing on contributing money to community organizations each month instead.
In the first half of the year, the church made some positive announcements. Missionaries would be allowed to communicate with their families once a week via phone and video calls (That would’ve been amazing when I was a missionary) and the Salt Lake Temple would be under major renovations for the next four years.
But as usual, there were some doozies.
In April, the church announced that it was reversing the “November Policy.” (mentioned in Chapter 6). Children of gay parents could now receive baby blessings and be baptized. The church would no longer consider people in same-sex marriages as apostates requiring church discipline (which is confusing because married gay couples are still getting excommunicated). The church said it was intended to "help affected families" and "to reduce the hate and contention so common today."
Some members thought it was a sign of progress and hope, but many people felt that the pain and impact couldn’t be undone. President Nelson even held a special BYU devotional in September to explain that love was the motivation behind both the enacting and the rescinding of the policy.
I was absolutely perplexed. I still don’t know what to think. Why would God inspire leaders to enact a harmful policy and then three years later change his mind? The pain that was caused because of the policy cannot be undone.
In the April 2019 General Conference, President Nelson gave a talk titled “Come, Follow Me,1” that made me feel absolutely terrible and angry. Here I am, with an agnostic husband and children, believing that God will work out everything in the eternities, then President Nelson hits us with this.
He explained that the Savior invites all to follow Him in being baptized and making covenants with God in the temple. He taught that those covenants are required if we want to make it to heaven with our families. He talked about how sad he is and how sad God is that good people decline Jesus’ invitation.
(What??????????? They don’t decline Jesus’ invitation. They decline YOURS.)
“But they have chosen not to make covenants with God. They have not received the ordinances that will exalt them with their families and bind them together forever.”
“They need to understand that while there is a place for them hereafter—with wonderful men and women who also chose not to make covenants with God—that is not the place where families will be reunited and be given the privilege to live and progress forever. That is not the kingdom where they will experience the fullness of joy—of never-ending progression and happiness. Those consummate blessings can come only by living in an exalted celestial realm with God, our Eternal Father; His Son, Jesus Christ; and our wonderful, worthy, and qualified family members.”
“The Savior said, ‘In my Father’s house are many mansions.’ However, as you choose not to make covenants with God, you are settling for a most meager roof over your head throughout all eternity.”
A most meager roof. I honestly don’t even know what to say to that. I remember thinking, is he saying that because my husband is trying to find his own spiritual path, and because my kids are gay, that they won’t be in the top heaven with me? What???? As if I even deserve to be there just because I’m a cisgender straight woman who has checked some boxes?
I shed a lot of tears and questioned a lot of things because of this talk. It put me in a state of despair and conflict for most of that year.
First, I questioned my own reasoning for making those covenants and participating in those ordinances in the first place.
Oh my gosh. I really thought I was qualifying myself to get into heaven.
The crazy thing is, I used to believe this. That I was doing all the things to get into top tier heaven. And anyone who didn’t make those covenants? Poor them. They just don’t know better. They’re good people. They just aren’t going to have joyful lives and heavenly exaltation. If only they would accept the gospel.
The absolute arrogance and condescendingness in this belief now astounds me. It makes me cringe.
This brought up a lot of questions for me about gospel ordinances and covenants with God. If the saving ordinances are so essential for our salvation, why would He make them available only in one church? In a predominately white, privileged culture? Out of reach? And then condemn the people who don’t receive them? It’s interesting for the church to say that God has this very special exclusive way to get into heaven, and by the way, we’re the only church that can provide that very special way. I’m not saying I don’t believe in the ordinances anymore, I just have a lot of questions. I question if all the ordinances are actually “saving ordinances.”
I now view my promises and ordinances with God not as qualifying, but my way of having a connection with God. Those things bring me close to him, or at least they should when they are not messed up by church shit. There is so much diversity in people’s experiences, religions, cultures, upbringing, education and influences, that of course there would be a million ways that people try to make sense of life and find a connection with God. I happen to value and find meaning in the ordinances found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Secondly, I thought, President, are you saying that only Mormons, who make up a miniscule percentage of all the people who live on the earth, who have ever lived and will live on the earth, will be the only ones who deserve heaven? I just can’t accept that. And I’m tired of us being so damn proud of ourselves that we assume we’re going to be in top heaven and so many won’t. I have had it with the speculating and judging who will go where in the next life. See Chapter 13 for my thoughts on that.
Thirdly, no wonder there are families and individuals in total despair over their eternal salvation. When a person puts all their trust in the brethren and the church’s celestial formula, and it doesn’t work, it is devastating. We have a multitude of members who feel like failures, like God is punishing them and that their children are lost forever. It takes a real toll on the mental and spiritual health of our members, including myself and many of my friends. It is a serious problem. And I don’t think the answer is doubling down on doctrine. I feel like the answer is grace.
It’s like we’re all forgetting Jesus’ role in all this. Forgetting grace.
When I have prayed about my family, that my children will not receive the Priesthood, serve missions or receive the ordinances in the temple, I have never received an answer that doubles down on which kingdom they will qualify for. My answers and impressions continue to be all about loving my family and friends wherever they are on their life paths, and trusting that we will be together forever, believing in our Savior’s grace.
Also, where did the idea come from that we will be in the kingdom that we are comfortable with? Is that actual doctrine?
The church’s teachings about LGBTQ+ people continued to concern me. So the rising rebel in me loved attending the Pride Parade again in June. We found joy in celebrating Aster’s uniqueness, gender identity and beauty, as we did with the LGBTQ+ community.
We were thrilled when Aster joined Bridging Voices in September of 2019. Bridging Voices is an amazing choir for LGBTQ+ youth in the Portland Metro area. Similar to what Aster experienced at ACMA - they found their peeps - kind, fun, neuroqueer kids who need a safe space to express themselves.
In August I went to my first Mama Dragons in-person meetup at Tualatin Park. Those mamas were the first people, not including Josh, that I could talk openly with about the blessings and challenges of parenting a queer child. Many had already experienced the challenges of their children coming out, learned how to support them and dealt with church conflict. They understood the intense stress that the church teachings and policies were for me and my family. Some had left the church because of that great conflict. These Mama Dragons strengthened my desire to be a fierce advocate for Aster.
When General Conference rolled around again in October, I decided not to listen to it for the sake of my own well being. I was growing weary of the emotional whiplash. I read summaries instead. It was wonderful to hear that girls and women could now be witnesses to living baptisms, baptisms for the dead and sealing ordinances in the temple.
Sister Reyna Aburto’s (second counselor in the RS General Presidency) talk2 about mental health was powerful. I am so grateful that she talked about depression, anxiety and other emotional and mental disorders. She even talked about her father’s suicide and how healing came through talking about his death in appropriate ways.
I am very interested in the intersection of high-demand religions and mental health disorders. More on that another time.
“It is important to recognize that depression is not the result of weakness, nor is it usually the result of sin. It “thrives in secrecy but shrinks in empathy.” Together, we can break through the clouds of isolation and stigma so the burden of shame is lifted and miracles of healing can occur.” -Reyna I. Aburto
Sister Aburto also reminded us that “thru cloud and sunshine” the Lord will abide with us. He came “to bind up the brokenhearted, … to comfort all that mourn; … to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.” Isaiah 61:1–3
President Dallin H. Oaks gave one talk in the Saturday morning session and another talk in the women’s session.
I appreciated his Saturday morning talk, titled “Trust in the Lord”3. He talked about how many members worry about who they will be with in the next life and what it’s like there. He said that we really don’t know that much about what it will be like, but we can trust in the Lord.
“For all questions about the spirit world, I suggest two answers. First, remember that God loves His children and will surely do what is best for each of us. Second, remember this familiar Bible teaching, which has been most helpful to me on a multitude of unanswered questions:
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
“In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:5–6).”
In President Oaks’ talk4 in the women’s session, he again emphasized the church’s position on gay marriage. I seriously cringe every time I hear him talk about this.
“The truth is, however, that in the beginning … marriage was ordained by God! And to this day it is defined by Him as being between a man and a woman. God has not changed His definition of marriage.”
“Because of God’s great love for all of His children, those lesser kingdoms are still more wonderful than mortals can comprehend.”
It was so difficult to listen to. I still do not know how to reconcile this. He says the law is unchangeable, etc… Yet, my child is one of the people outside of the binary. They desire to be authentically themselves, in a relationship with a person of their choosing, without worrying about their gender or sexual identity. I have so many questions. Why would God create a beautiful heaven only to put it out of reach for most of His children?
How can “he inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness”5, and yet make it impossible for some to do so?
In the fall, I wrote this in one of my support forums:
“I am really struggling with how my church (LDS) leaders keep pounding the pulpit about “the gay agenda” and the definition of marriage and loving the sinner not the sin, etc... I want to stay an active member of my church because I do love the basic gospel principles, but there is such a disconnect when it comes to support and teachings for LGBTQ people. I just don’t get it. Why would God create so many gay people but at the same time ask his prophets to denounce gay marriage and make gay people feel less than?"
My head is so full of these contradictions and I’m trying to make sense of it. Thanks for reading. Just needed to let that out.”
A few days after general conference I went to the temple to pray about my concerns.
What was I to do with my conflict with church teachings about LGBTQ+ people and my desire to support Aster? I wondered about the unexpected family life I had, outside the Mormon box. Is it because I failed to be exactly obedient? What does the future look like?
I turned to the scriptures and read in 2 Nephi, Chapter 10:
20 And now, my beloved brethren, seeing that our merciful God has given us so great knowledge concerning these things, let us remember him, and lay aside our sins, and not hang down our heads, for we are not cast off; nevertheless, we have been driven out of the land of our inheritance; but we have been led to a better land, for the Lord has made the sea our path, and we are upon an isle of the sea.
21 But great are the promises of the Lord unto them who are upon the isles of the sea; wherefore as it says isles, there must needs be more than this, and they are inhabited also by our brethren.
22 For behold, the Lord God has led away from time to time from the house of Israel, according to his will and pleasure. And now behold, the Lord remembereth all them who have been broken off, wherefore he remembereth us also.
23 Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life.
24 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.
Even though we are not literally sailing the seas, I received the strong impression that God was saying that the sea is our path: sometimes calm, sometimes stormy, up and down and certainly not straight (pun intended). My family has been broken off from the mainstream church and He is leading us to a better land. He remembers us! His promises are great! I could cheer up my heart, reconcile myself to the will of God, and remember, most of all, that ‘it is only in and through the grace of God that [we] are saved.”
That answer to my prayers has been a great comfort to me. I believe it was from God. Although my mind sometimes goes back to despair and worry, I remember this guidance and it helps me to return to faith in God, His plan, and the grace of our Savior.
In December, Josh and I had another heated discussion. A former investment manager for the church reported to the IRS that the church had about $100 billion in investment accounts that were supposed to be for charitable purposes. The complaint accused the church of being in violation of federal tax laws, not using the money for charitable purposes, but to prop up businesses.
100 billion dollars? I can’t even comprehend that amount of money. That report confirmed to Josh that the church was being intentionally deceptive and that the lack of financial transparency to the members is a questionable practice. We both had questions. Why ask people who can barely feed their families to pay their 10% tithing when the church obviously doesn’t need it? Can they be trusted with our donations? I have believed in the blessing of paying tithing, and I didn’t want to believe that tithing funds were misappropriated. I tried to defend the church, saying that they are just doing their best leading a world-wide religious institution.
I don’t know if the church leaders truly understand how all of these things have affected marriages. A mixed-faith marriage can often be more than having differing views of faith. The trauma caused by the church affects marriages in a very direct and devastating way. The sexual shame trauma is one example. The incorrect and deceptive publishing of church history is another. The teachings about LGBTQ+ people is another.
It is very difficult to defend a church that my ex considers as his abusers. It has been absolutely crushing. And the church gaslighting. All this shit happens in the church, and then they shame members who can’t seem to stay in the boat and don’t have enough faith. I feel like they put being right, being the only true church, above the well being of the members. The impact of all this conflict and trauma is huge. It’s more than doubts. We can only take so much. I can only take so much. My marriage could only take so much. All of the hurt was affecting my emotional and mental health, and the health of my marriage.
Now, readers, you might think the following:
Rachel is really off her rocker.
Why did she believe that stuff in the first place?
You choose to be offended.
You obviously don’t have enough faith.
The devil has a hold on you.
Why are you even staying? Just leave the church.
Everybody knew all those alternative facts, you should have.
Watch it, you are criticizing the leaders and that’s a no-no.
The leaders are fallible.
Those Mormons are weird.
Believe me, all those thoughts ran through my mind, too.
I’d like to address a few of those things.
First, the leaders are fallible. They’re just men. Yeah, I know. But honestly, through my whole life, I thought that meant that they got mad at a ref once or cussed when they stubbed their toe or they put the tp roll on backwards. I didn’t think fallible meant keeping the truth from members and then gaslighting them. Or approving harmful church policies. I was taught that everything they said was from the mouth of God. Now, if that makes me naive and gullible, fine. We are taught over and over again that the prophets are called of God, that Jesus Christ leads the church, the only true church, through these righteous men. So yeah, I thought they were nearly perfect, and when I realized they weren’t, I was crushed.
Next, you choose to be offended. I reject that. It seems to me that to be hurt and offended is a normal human response. Someone I trusted said something that hurt me. Being hurt is not wrong or right. It just is. We feel. We hope. We trust, then sometimes people hurt us.
As a faithful member for my whole life, I was terrified to tell anyone about my concerns. I really didn’t think that the church leaders acted out of malice. I didn’t want anger to engulf my life, but yet, there it was. I felt incredible shame for having doubts and questions and for being so affected by it all. I kept most of this to myself as I continued attending church and serving in the callings I loved.
Nelson, Russell M. Come, Follow Me. April 2019
Aburto, Reyna I. Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide with Me! April 2019
Oaks, Dallin H. Trust in the Lord. October 2019
Oaks, Dallin H. Two Great Commandments. October 2019
2 Nephi 26:33. The Book of Mormon.