Chapter 17: The Mystery of Healing
My mind and heart have been led to learning about healing. And also, I realized for the first time in the past two years, that I just might be healing...
This writing process is fascinating. When it comes time to write another chapter, it makes sense to go with whatever events come next in my timeline. But sometimes my intuition leads me elsewhere. A few weeks ago I read the allegory of the olive tree in the Book of Mormon, in Jacob, chapter 5. Then I kept thinking about The Forest, the wooded part of the property that our last house sat next to. So I got to thinking about what all this was trying to tell me.
Healing. My mind and heart have been led to learning about healing. And also, I realized for the first time in the past two years, that I just might be healing, in a lot of ways. It is so mysterious to me how healing happens.
The Forest
We lived in the house next to The Forest from December 2015-August 2022. We loved that mid-century house, tucked back in a one-acre pocket of protected forested land adjacent to Cedar Mill Creek.
When we first moved in, the short trail leading into the forest was accessible only for about 15 feet, and then disappeared into overgrown English Ivy and Himalayan blackberry bushes. Those invasive species had really taken over, but we could also see many native plant species: Oregon ash, Douglas fir, Douglas hawthorne, alders, snowberry, Tall Oregon Grape, bigleaf maple, sword ferns, osoberry, woods rose, thimbleberry, black cottonwood, bitter cherry, ponderosa pine, red elderberry and oceanspray.
We saw the potential in the land and we were determined that we would bring it back to healthy, natural habitat in the middle of the suburbs. Even though I didn’t know much about land restoration, I dove right in as the self-appointed project manager, researching, identifying plants and contacting local agencies for advice.
The restoration work included removing the invasive plant species, planting native species, strengthening the eroding streambank, and providing natural homes for the critters. We hired several crews and recruited many volunteers over the next few years, who sprayed herbicide, removed invasive species, spread mulch and planted over 2500 native plants. I wanted so badly to succeed. I created spreadsheets and timelines and lists of contacts. I learned the names of all the plants and if they thrived in shade or sun. I gathered cuttings that only actually propagated about 30% of the time. I joined a community environment group.
We even bought a damn tractor.
The forest was a peaceful place for nature watching, meditation and walking, but I tell ya, restoring and healing that land was hard work. Much of the time it was two steps forward, one step back. I learned that:
If you clear the ground of invasive species, but don’t immediately cover the ground afterwards with mulch, those invasives will grow back with a vengeance.
Some plants just get overtaken with weeds again, no matter how hard you try to protect them.
You shouldn’t go out into the forest during a windstorm.
A tree that looks healthy on the outside can be completely hollow inside, and will fall during heavy winds.
I didn’t have the energy to do the work alone. It’s ok to ask for help.
Despite the challenges, it was rewarding and exciting to contribute to the health of our community’s environment. As The Forest became more healthy, we saw an increase in wildlife: owls, beavers (they LOVE the cherry, cottonwood and willow trees), foxes, coyotes, skunk, raccoons, moles, bees, ducks, hummingbirds, heron, and a variety of other birds.
I learned on a more personal level that having a connection with Mother Earth is healing. I think The Forest appreciated the work we were doing. I would talk to her sometimes, and asked her to work with me on this healing project. I gathered leaves, sticks, pinecones and blossoms to make earth mandalas. As I made ink from plants, bark, nuts and moss, I gained an appreciation for all that Mother Earth provides, for the colors and the magical chemical makeup of things.
Before we moved out of the house, I said goodbye to The Forest, and hoped that the new owners would continue the restoration.
The Allegory of the Olive Tree
When I studied the allegory of the olive tree recently, I thought of it also as a healing story. The original purpose of the allegory is to depict the scattering and gathering of the tribes of Israel. But I thought, this allegory is kind of like my forest project. And my own personal healing. From Jacob, chapter 5:
7. and we will pluck off those main branches which are beginning to wither away, and we will cast them into the fire that they may be burned.
Cutting down rotten branches = discarding the parts of my religious practice that were no longer healthy for me, as well as lifetime of unhealthy ways of thinking about myself
8 And behold, saith the Lord of the vineyard, I take away many of these young and tender branches, and I will graft them whithersoever I will; and it mattereth not that if it so be that the root of this tree will perish, I may preserve the fruit thereof unto myself; wherefore, I will take these young and tender branches, and I will graft them whithersoever I will.
Searching for positive places outside of my comfort zone to nourish my spirit
10 And it came to pass that the servant of the Lord of the vineyard did according to the word of the Lord of the vineyard, and grafted in the branches of the wild olive tree.
Grafting in healthy branches = finding meaningful spiritual practices outside of the standard LDS practice, adding them to my foundation.
36 Nevertheless, I know that the roots are good, and for mine own purpose I have preserved them; and because of their much strength they have hitherto brought forth, from the wild branches, good fruit.
Preserving the roots = preserving and honoring my religious upbringing and spiritual foundation
47 But what could I have done more in my vineyard? Have I slackened mine hand, that I have not nourished it? Nay, I have nourished it, and I have digged about it, and I have pruned it, and I have dunged it; and I have stretched forth mine hand almost all the day long, and the end draweth nigh.
Working the vineyard again and again, nourishing, digging, pruning, etc… = this healing work is hard.
49 And it came to pass that the Lord of the vineyard said unto the servant: Let us go to and hew down the trees of the vineyard and cast them into the fire, that they shall not cumber the ground of my vineyard, for I have done all. What could I have done more for my vineyard?
Even the Lord of the vineyard got sick and tired of all the work, wondering if it was all for naught. And he was real about how hard it was to see all the damage.
74 And thus they labored, with all diligence, according to the commandments of the Lord of the vineyard, even until the bad had been cast away out of the vineyard, and the Lord had preserved unto himself that the trees had become again the natural fruit; and they became like unto one body; and the fruits were equal; and the Lord of the vineyard had preserved unto himself the natural fruit, which was most precious unto him from the beginning.
75 And it came to pass that when the Lord of the vineyard saw that his fruit was good, and that his vineyard was no more corrupt, he called up his servants, and said unto them: Behold, for this last time have we nourished my vineyard; and thou beholdest that I have done according to my will; and I have preserved the natural fruit, that it is good, even like as it was in the beginning. And blessed art thou; for because ye have been diligent in laboring with me in my vineyard, and have kept my commandments, and have brought unto me again the natural fruit, that my vineyard is no more corrupted, and the bad is cast away, behold ye shall have joy with me because of the fruit of my vineyard.
Ultimately, the purpose of this writing project is to heal, to harvest good, healthy fruit. To heal The Forest in me.
In this story, I am focusing on the spiritual healing path. It may not seem like healing when I am writing about all the hurt and anger, but it is a necessary part of the process. I need to be honest about it all. I must take a hard look at all my emotions, all experiences , and be completely honest about their effect on me, in order to truly heal - to free myself of the unhealthy, internalized religious beliefs that do not nurture me.
It was not time that healed you;
It was your courage to feel everything
You used to run from
Being with yourself and meeting your tension
Is hard, but it is the only way to release what
has been bottled up inside of you
Your pain was simply asking for your attention
@yung_pueblo on instagram
My healing is up to me. In regards to my spiritual trauma, I cannot expect the church to give that to me. Sometimes I think that if they would just apologize for all the crap, that it would make everything ok. But I can’t control their actions. I can only control mine.
This whole process is complex: Writing about my religious trauma in the past, and then presently seeking healing from that trauma. Add on top of that the healing from the trauma of the end of my marriage and really taking a hard look at myself - my demons, limiting beliefs, self loathing, the things that hold me back from being my true self. It’s really hard. And uncomfortable. And humbling.
Hell, no wonder I’m f**king exhausted.
It is all so intertwined.
I just finished reading a book called The Healing Path: A Memoir and an Invitation by James Finley1. In my healing path, I have felt sure about this first part, about letting things out, being real about my experiences and feelings, but I have been unsure about where to go from here. Finley really helped me take a look at my trauma through a spiritual lens, to understand God’s presence throughout my life and to come to a clearer understanding of Jesus’ role in all this.
Here are a few quotes that stood out to me.
The task, it seems to me, is for us to continue to pass beyond immature understanding of spiritual matters formed in times of innocence and in times of trauma and abandonment by learning to cultivate more mature, reality-based ways of understanding the deep healing that spirituality brings into our lives.
The spiritual depth dimensions of healing that I was seeking in my own therapy were waiting to be realized in my graced ability to see and accept the gift of my traumatized self, by which I had felt so ashamed and so burdened because of the suffering it had brought into my life…I am now inviting you to join me, whoever you might be, in exploring the ways in which the deep healing that occurred in this woman and also in me has the potential of occurring in each of us as we are interiorly healed and set free in seeing and accepting this gift of which we now speak.
It is in experiencing and accepting how difficult it can be to free ourselves from our hurtful attitudes and ways of treating ourselves and others that we begin to understand that the healing path is not a linear process in which we can force our way beyond our wounded and wounding ways. Rather, it is a path along which we learn to circle back again and again to cultivate within ourselves a more merciful understanding of ourselves as we learn to see, love and respect the still-confused and wounded aspects of ourselves. Insofar as these wounded and wounding aspects of ourselves recognize that they are seen, loved and respected in such a merciful way, they can feel safe enough to release the pain they carry into the more healed and whole aspects of ourselves.
In Christ it is revealed that God does not withhold his love until we measure up to being the awake, caring and loving persons we are called to be. To the contrary, we see in Christ how God seeks us out, accesses us, and draws us in ever closer to God in the midst of our wayward ways, even as we continue to stumble and fall this way and that. And even as we continue to stumble, we discover that we are falling again and again into the depths of the merciful love of God, which is lifting us up and carrying us forward in unexplainable ways.
I am being lifted up and carried forward in unexplainable ways. It is so mysterious, this healing.
And then I had a major panic attack last Friday night. Two steps forward, one step back.
An enormous Intelligence is guiding us through this process with a love that is unconditional and determined to bring about this healing whatever the cost to Itself.
Thomas Keating, On Divine Therapy
Finley, James. The Healing Path: A Memoir and an Invitation. Orbis Books, 2023.
Keating, Thomas. On Divine Therapy. Lantern Books, 2012