Chapter 19: Covid, Protests, Fires and More
Chapter 19: Covid, Protests, Fires and More
Protests spread across the country and the world. It seemed like I was witnessing something historic.
And it got worse. In response to George Floyd’s murder on May 25th, protests spread across the country and the world. In Portland, the Black Lives Matter protests were held downtown daily for months. I wanted to participate in the protests, but I was terrified of getting COVID, so I stayed home.
The protests in Portland started out peaceful, but many of them got heated and grew into riots. We heard reports of confrontations with law enforcement, tear gas, arson, looting, vandalism and clashes between protestors and counter protestors. It got so bad that the federal government sent in law enforcement teams and it was all such a mess.
Through it all, it seemed like I was witnessing something historic. This was big.
And yes, I posted a black square on my Instagram account. I really thought I was showing solidarity with the movement, but maybe it was tacky. I don’t know.
People around me started talking more about their experiences with racism. I was appalled at friends’ accounts of the racism and microaggressions they experience within their church community on a regular basis.
I had been blind to my white privilege and the issues of racism, white supremacy, and police brutality until the Black Lives Matter movement. I never considered myself to be a racist or to have racial bias because I “tried to be kind to everyone”. Wasn’t that being not-racist? But kindness is not enough.
Lots of people traveled still during the summer, but we played it safe and didn’t do much. We got cabin fever often and went for many drives in the countryside. We went downtown in late June and saw the aftermath of the protests: windows boarded up and colorful, powerful graffiti reflecting the messages of the movement.
As for my art practice, I launched my website in the middle of June, which was not the best timing, considering the whole world was going to shit, but I decided to do it anyway. I also spent more time making ink from the natural materials on our property.
That summer I created a whole city in Minecraft while listening to podcasts. I had a variety in my playlist, depending on my mood:
Turning to the Mystics with James Finley
Mindfulness + with Thomas McConkie
The Confessional by Nadia Bolz-Weber
Latter Gay Stories
On Being
Crime Junkie
Small Town Dicks
Last Seen
S-Town
Unqualified with Anna Faris
Don’t Ask Tig with Tig Notaro
Family Secrets
This American Life
One of those podcasts, Turning to the Mystics1, is so captivating to me. James Finley, a former Trappist monk and author, reviews the teachings of various Christian mystics like Thomas Merton, Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross. The way he talks about spirituality, our relationship with God, and emotional and spiritual growth is so beautiful. I would seriously love a Sunday School class focused on the mystics’ teachings.
There is a Mormon way of speaking, both in voice and terminology that is very familiar to me. And that’s ok. But as I listened to religious and spiritual teachers on various podcasts, they were like a breath of fresh air. James Finley’s nurturing and wise voice. The sassy Nadia Bolz-Weber. The moving experiences from gay members on Latter Gay Saints. Thomas McConkie’s guided meditations and insights. I have learned more about my spiritual autonomy, grace, the nature of God, our connection with Mother Earth, through the teachings and readings of non-LDS writers.
The mystics are people for when it has become unbearable for so long they discover the divinity of it all.
-James Finley
Know that your confusion is no hindrance right in this very moment to God, unexplainedly loving you through and through and through and through…
-James Finley
My confusion is no hindrance to God loving me.
I don’t know what was going on with me, but I started writing more. When I couldn’t sleep at night, or when I was deep in a dream, I was thinking about the church, spirituality and everything in between. Sometimes I would get up and type away to get it all out of my system. Or I would have some spiritual insights and talk to Josh about them in the middle of the night. Often I would do a voice recording so I would remember my epiphanies. I was starting to have my own independent ideas about spirituality that differed from what the brethren taught, like maybe it’s ok for a person to take a path away from the church. It’s okay to pray to Heavenly Mother. What if gay couples could get sealed in the temple? That summer I wrote essays about racism in the church, why people leave the church and people getting offended.
I was half scared and half empowered, so I asked God why these things were coming into my mind and heart. In fact, I ran through all the possible reasons of why I was thinking differently about church teachings, including:
I was losing my marbles. Mental illness made me depart from the brethren’s opinions.
The fiery darts of the adversary were deceiving me and dragging me down to hell.
I was being too influenced by the world, my husband, the progressives or the gays.
I now see it was my soul expanding and searching in a beautiful and painful way.
That July there were several articles in the Ensign about how to help our loved ones who have left the church.
The quote I loved the most from that issue was from President M. Russell Ballard:
“Question: If I have family or friends who are less active, how far do I go in my attempts to bring them back?
“My answer is please do not preach to them! Your family members or friends already know the Church’s teachings. They don’t need another lecture! What they need—what we all need—is love and understanding, not judging. Share your positive experiences of living the gospel. The most powerful thing you can do is share your spiritual experiences with family and friends. Also, be genuinely interested in their lives, their successes, and their challenges. Always be warm, gentle, loving, and kind.”
-M. Russell Ballard
Thank goodness for Elder Ballard’s words. Can you imagine just hammering “the church is true!!” instead of actually listening to someone’s point of view? Just because we think our church has the only true path, it doesn’t mean people who are not on that path are bad, or that their spiritual journey and contemplations aren’t meaningful.
I visited my parents by myself from July 3-5th. I don’t even remember what we did for the 4th, because my strongest memory from that weekend was seeing my 89-year-old father, dressed in his suit and tie, kneel down at our coffee table to bless the sacrament in their home. He then passed the bread and water to me, mom and a few friends that had come over. It was so beautiful. As always, Mom and Dad’s devotion to God and the sacrament was shining in their home, no matter what was happening in the crazy world.
Our family gathered for my niece’s wedding on August 1st. The ceremony and reception were held in a lovely outdoor setting in the countryside. Although I was still worried about the spread of Covid, it was so great to see lots of family after months of isolation. I sat with mom and dad in the shade for a while. I remember us siblings making sure Mom and Dad were hydrated and taken care of. Dad looked really worn out.
Then the world caught fire. Holy hell, it was bad.
The August Complex fire started in Northern California it became the largest fire in California history, burning more than 1 million acres.
In September, The Holiday Farm Fire burned down homes in towns and communities along the McKenzie River, east of Eugene, and threatened or burned over the communities of Blue River, Vida, Nimrod, and Leaburg.
On the morning of Sept. 8, 2020, the Almeda fire swept through the Rogue Valley within a matter of hours, destroying more than 2,600 homes between Ashland, Talent, Phoenix and Medford. It was catastrophic.
It seemed like everyone was fleeing wildfires. Yet again, we needed to stay indoors, this time because of the poor air quality. It was hazy and smoky everywhere. We took a drive downtown one day, which didn’t last long because it was smoky, windy and downright eerie.
And let’s not forget the Asian giant hornet, aka “murder hornet” was spotted in Washington State that fall.
What a time for Aster to be starting their senior year.
Finley, James, host. Turning to the Mystics. Center for Action and Contemplation, 2021.