Chapter 20: Three Essays
Chapter 20: Three Essays
I started writing down my spiritual insights because they were just building up inside of me.
As mentioned in Chapter 19, I started writing down my spiritual insights in 2020 because they were just building up inside of me. Josh was the only person I felt I could talk to openly about this. My parents, siblings, extended family and many friends were still active, believing members and I worried about upsetting them with my apostate ideas. So I wrote a lot of it down.
Here are the three main essays I wrote in the summer of 2020, with a few edits and addendums added later. Some of it gets a little repetitive.
Essay #1: Why People Leave the Church
When I was a youth and heard the warnings that the fiery darts of the adversary would lead members astray in the last days, I always thought it meant that people would just get so caught up in serious sins that they would want to leave the church. - adultery, greed, stealing, reading anti-Mormon literature, going totally apostate. (Whatever that means) In my young heart, the church was just so good and if you did xyz everything would turn out peachy.
Never in a million years did I think that the causes of members leaving the church or struggling with their testimonies would come from within the church. -misleading history, the mistreatment of LGBTQ people, spiritual and sexual abuse; covering up abuse, sexual shaming, difficult policies, treating people with sincere questions as apostates, etc...
Sometimes it is excruciatingly painful to be a member of this church.
I have several friends and family who have left the church. All of them experienced some kind of trauma in the church that triggered doubts about the church, which then led to excruciating examination of their beliefs. There comes a time when the pain and trauma is just too much. We can’t fault someone for that or say they just don’t have enough faith. Many people leave as a matter of self-preservation and emotional health. It becomes unhealthy for them to stay. The shame, guilt and feelings of betrayal are overwhelming. Now one might say, well, all a person has to do is turn to Christ and all of those feelings would go away, so if they have turned away from the church, they have turned away from Christ. But Christ knows us. He gets it. He knows that we need to process things in our own way. And Christ will be there with us every step of the way.
When the church essays were released, it caused great feelings of anguish and betrayal. It caused people to question everything. And the church never apologized for teaching the wrong history on purpose. That affects people. It becomes too much. Betrayal trauma is real.
I think the August 7, 2019 episode with David Ostler on A Thoughtful Faith1 podcast was very insightful. - about ministering to those who question. He did research on this topic and if I recall correctly, many people said that lack of trust was a big part of their faith crisis.
For those I know (including myself) going through a faith crisis, emotional and spiritual trauma is a major factor in their crisis. Trauma and anguish caused by changing church history narratives, sexual shame, the church teachings about LGBTQ people and just being burnt out from church callings and pressures. I have yet to see our church leaders really acknowledge this trauma as a major factor in a faith crisis. It needs to be addressed.
One of the other main causes of people leaving the church. Sexual trauma. Continual questioning of youth about masturbation. Calling a normal body function evil. A lot of people have suffered a great deal because of that incessant harping about masturbation. Is it any wonder that we are losing so many of that generation, and part of that is caused by the sexual obsession of our culture, closed door interviews and shame about our sexual beings.
Addendum 1:
I’m not sure why I didn’t include several paragraphs about the enormous issues surrounding LGBTQ+ Mormons and their families - teachings, doctrines, cultural attitudes, people coming out after years of suppression, being kicked out of their homes, etc… But as you know, I write a lot about that later.
Since then I have learned a lot more about why people have faith challenges.
It feels weird to list those reasons, like it can be so simplified into a list. But one significant thing I have learned in the past few years is that it is NORMAL to have ups and downs in our beliefs throughout our life. These cycles have been written about for millenia in mythology and scripture - learning, prosperity, crashing, deliverance. Mother Earth shows us daily her natural cycles and rhythms: the seasons, the tides, planting and harvesting, decomposition, weather patterns. We could really learn a lot from Her. Those natural cycles are especially present as we transition into different phases of our lives.
Other notable reasons:
Spiritual and physical exhaustion. (see chapter 14 for more on that)
I’ve had it with this crap.
I need more grace.
I just need a break to recalibrate.
It’s all a pack of lies and I’m outta here.
Addendum 2:
In June 2020, my niece was serving a mission in Utah and asked me in an email about my thoughts on people who have fallen away or had their names removed from church records.
Here’s my response:
Hey girl!
I just love reading your letters that your mom forwards to us. You are rockin it!
Here are my thoughts about people who have left the church:
It's important that we acknowledge their reasons and not dismiss their experiences, especially if the reasons involve trauma and hurt. Many, many members are upset by very real issues: LGBTQ policies, recalling of specific church history facts, sexual abuse in the church, racism, etc... It can be easy to tell people to just come back or just turn to Christ and everything will be dandy. The thing is, humans are complicated. There are so many emotions, circumstances and experiences wrapped up in one person. Those complex emotions can become too much to bear for some, so distancing themselves from the church is a matter of self-preservation. Some former members do become angry and bitter about the church. That is also a normal response to emotional processing. For many of us, church has always been a safe place, spiritually, emotionally, physically. Unfortunately that is not the case for everyone.
So, let's just listen. Try to understand their point of view. Healing and processing stuff takes time. Be kind. Assume they are just doing their best. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love them and are watching over them, no matter what.
Maybe ask former members, what do you do in your everyday life to have a spiritual connection? (like service, meditating, being in nature). What inspiring books are you reading? As you have reexamined your belief system, what values are most important to you? Do you attend a new church? Tell us about your new church. How do you feel there? What has been helpful to you in your faith transition? Tell them that it is amazing that they are so sincere about being true to themselves. That takes a lot of courage.
Also, ask them about what they do for self care now. What have they weeded out of their lives to focus on the most important stuff?
Essay #2: Getting Offended
I grew up believing that people who get offended by someone at church just need to chill out. You know, the church is perfect, the people aren’t. But my thoughts on that have changed. And I’m just going to say it, Elder Bednar’s talk in 2006 titled “Taking Offense” made me uneasy. I probably thought I felt uneasy because I needed to repent and be more perfect and not so damn sensitive. Here are my thoughts on getting offended:
When we are offended we are hurt. To be hurt and offended is a normal human response. Someone we thought had our best interests in mind said something that hurt us. The emotion to be hurt is not wrong or right. It just is. We feel. We hope. We trust, then sometimes people hurt us.
About “we shouldn’t be offended” - well, who among us has never buried a hurt, a pain, a trauma for years and years? Then after years and years we decide that it’s time to process it? That’s just it --- it takes processing, whatever that looks like for each person.
It would be great if we were so perfect that we didn’t experience offense. I wonder if Jesus ever felt hurt or got offended. He probably did. Like when Peter denied him three times. Or when he threw the money changers out of the temple. Then He was able to think it over, and because He knows all things and all intents of the heart, and is a God, He was able not to hang on to the hurt.
Let’s not judge someone for being offended. Or say flippant remarks like, “oh well, they got offended and left the church.” We don’t know the total of their human experience, circumstances, emotional and mental state, etc.. Maybe at the time, that person just does not have the capability to process their hurt. It’s too much for them to bear. Leaving the situation or the place where the hurt took place is better for them emotionally at that moment. Or it’s just an instinct of self-preservation.
If they hang on to that hurt for years, can we blame them? Life is so hard and full of hurt.
What if we listen to the pain, the offense, and have understanding rather than judgment? Be a safe place for them to process it. Even then everyone has their own way of processing emotions - and the timeline is different for everyone.
We can hope that they heal. Ultimately it is their burden to figure out and process in their own way, but we can support them.
How about instead of teaching people that they SHOULDN’T be offended, we teach them ways to cope with offense and hurt. Teach that they are not bad for feeling offended. Be patient with themselves in the healing process, and possibly:
Talk to a therapist or friend
Think it over
Write it down, let it out
Desire even a little to not have that hurt carried around
Pray, ask for guidance
Talk to the person who offended you
Also, the SHOULD word is dumb.
Essay #3: Letter about racism
If you haven’t noticed this yet about me, I can get really wrapped up in any kind of injustice. And then write an essay about it. =) Awareness and action is important, but with a balance. I may be overzealous at times. Or maybe I’m just writing these letters to myself and I’m the one who really needs to hear them. I sent the following letter to my bishop and to Sister Bingham, the general RS president in 2020.
Now reviewing this letter, it sounds like I know everything about systemic racism. As a white person with privilege, I probably have no right to comment on it, but again, I was caught up in the injustice and needed to do something. And I thought this was important.
June 22, 2020
Sister Bingham,
As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I am grateful for the recent statement from our leaders on June 8th in response to the murders of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and many other black individuals. I appreciate our leaders denouncing racist attitudes and the admonition to “seek for an abundant life for all God’s children.”
I believe that our church leaders have the responsibility to 1) openly denounce racism, white nationalism, and police brutality, and 2) require that anti-racism classes are taught in our wards.
I am deeply concerned about the attitudes of racism and white nationalism in our church. There are members of our church who display Confederate flags, spread disgusting anti-Muslim emails, think that immigrants are criminals that should go back to their country, and who mock the Black Lives Matter movement. Many still believe that blacks suffer the mark of Cain because past prophets taught that idea. All of this while saying they revere Indigenous and Polynesian people as Lehi’s descendants. I have been appalled at friends’ accounts of the racism and microaggressions they experience within their church community on a regular basis. In addition, many black members of our church are still pained by the Priesthood ban and long for acknowledgement and an apology for that trauma.
The leaders of our Church have a responsibility to speak out at the pulpit against white nationalism, racism, and police brutality. Your voices must be louder than the non-stop spoutings of politicians and antagonizers. Our members need to hear YOU. While the church has published statements about these topics, I don’t recall hearing many admonitions from the pulpit at General Conference. Only recently did we hear Elder Holland say “May we hope...for the gift of personal dignity for every child of God, unmarred by any form of racial, ethnic, or religious prejudice.” After the racist violence in Charlottesville, VA in 2017, the church issued a statement condemning white supremacy. It would be a benefit to all if there were talks about these topics in general conference and sacrament meetings (as the quarantine restrictions allow).
As a white middle-class American, I know I have been blind to my white privilege and the issues of racism, white supremacy, and police brutality until recently. My parents, who are members of our church, taught me to be kind and Christlike to everyone, so I never considered myself to be a racist or to have racial bias. Now that I look closer at myself, I realize that I do have an unconscious bias that I must examine. I also realize that being kind is not enough. Admonishments from our leaders to be Christ-like aren’t enough. Like the church leaders said in their statement, we must “join us in a journey of understanding and overcoming.” It is possible that many church members like myself do not consider themselves racist because they’ve never said the n-word or have never lynched a black person. As followers of Christ, every individual in this church has the responsibility to do the hard work of unlearning their prejudices. There are many anti-racist organizations, resources, and workshops that could aid in the education of our members. See a list below.
The church’s June 8th statement says “We likewise call on government, business, and educational leaders at every level to review processes, laws, and organizational attitudes regarding racism and root them out once and for all. It is past time for every one of us to elevate our conversations above divisive and polarizing rhetoric.”
The Church must include itself in this group of organizations. We must actively address systemic racism. It’s an uncomfortable topic for many, but we, especially white people, must lean into that discomfort and be willing to learn how to be anti-racist. We owe it to Black, Indigenous and People of Color everywhere.
With Love,
Rachel Bancroft
Anti-Racism Resources:
Me & White Supremacy by Layla Saad2
Good Ancestor Academy by Layla Saad
The Great Unlearn podcast and community by Rachel Cargle
"Confronting White Nationalism in Schools" toolkit. By Western States Center
http://crossroadsantiracism.org/
Colvin, Gina, host. Ministering to Those Who Question with David Ostler. A Thoughtful Faith, episode 301, Open Stories Foundation, August 7, 2019.
Saad, Layla. Me and White Supremacy: How to Recognise Your Privilege, Combat Racism and Change the World. Quercus, 2020.