Chapter 27: Cracked Open

My heart cracked open to a flood of emotions from past trauma that I hadn’t ever processed before.

During the first week of June 2021, I took an abstract painting class online, Find Your Joy with Louise Fletcher. To get ready for the class, I purchased art paper and a bunch of acrylic paints, brushes and tape. I set up my painting station on the back porch, complete with jars of water, rags, an apron and my iPad. I hadn’t done much painting before this class, so I was excited to learn.

I loved exploring color, pattern, texture and layers with Louise, but what really struck me was her emphasis on finding your own personal style - embracing your artistic voice, unleashing your creativity. She talked about laying down strokes of paint intuitively, noticing what colors, marks, patterns and tools you are partial to. Louise encouraged us to experiment without expectation of the outcome, asking “I wonder what happens if…” That really spoke to me because I was eager to not only find my voice, but to loosen up my emotional self.

After the class was over, I kept my painting station set up, so I could practice what I learned from the class.

I kept thinking about the call to let myself feel everything and process trauma (see the end of Chapter 24) . I feel like the pandemic caused me to feel a lot of intense emotions about world events, which in turn caused my heart to crack open to a flood of emotions from past trauma that I hadn’t ever processed. I couldn’t hold those wounds inside anymore. Painful feelings and memories came to the surface, and I spent most of the summer of 2021 at my painting station, creating abstract intuitive paintings.

Before I started painting, I got a sketchbook and wrote down my ideas for paintings. I made lists of topics, life events and feelings that I wanted to paint about. These included, of course, the conflict of the church’s teachings and policies about LGBTQ+ people, journeying on my own path, and my spiritual struggles. On some of the pages I wrote in a stream of consciousness style, writing down whatever words came to mind. I researched the meaning of colors. Red - passion, anger, shame; orange - health, vibrance, courage, ignorance; and so on… I wrote down the colors that came to mind for specific paintings.

I developed my own process for painting each piece, starting with meditation, lighting a candle and incense and finding music that coincided with the emotion I was focusing on. As I painted, the colors, shapes and lines flowed naturally from my mind, heart and hands. It’s a fascinating and layered process. I let my family know that if they saw me sobbing or throwing paint at the canvas, I was okay. I was just fully in the moment.

For the first time I allowed myself to fully feel the so-called negative emotions like anger, fear, despair, confusion, envy, doubt and so on. And guess what? They didn’t last forever! (see Chapter 24) It felt miraculous. And I was in awe.

My first painting is called Night of Anguish, referring to the night in 2015 when Josh told me of his questions about the church and wept with despair. (see Chapter 3) The idea of the painting had been in my mind for a while. A kind of sacred but sad glow around our red couch. The blue represents Josh’s pain. I painted several versions.

Another one of my first paintings is called from Knowledge to Uncertainty. As my faith was being challenged and I was experiencing lots of personal struggles, I found that I was certain of less and less. And there came with it a kind of beauty. A permission to wonder. To ask. A release of the pressure to have a strong testimony.

From Knowledge to Uncertainty. Acrylics on 16 x 20 canvas. 2021

I shared that painting On a Zoom call with two of my calligraphy friends, Marianne and Kay. It was the first time I ever shared a piece of art about my faith crisis with anyone. It was a little difficult to be that vulnerable. I felt safe sharing this very personal art with them because I knew their response wouldn’t be one of pity for my lost soul. Rather, Marianne and Kay acknowledged the depth of my journey and the courage it took to look closely at all my beliefs and faith.

Also it is very telling that the safest people besides Josh that I could open up to are not members of the church.

It didn’t feel safe to talk to anyone close to the church besides Josh. I was afraid of being reprimanded or dismissed by church leaders, instead of being heard. I was afraid that other members would think less of me. I was worried that my friends and family would be disappointed in me because of our strong roots in the church. I worried that they would be offended by my anger because you’re not supposed to talk bad about the church. I worried that by bringing up difficult issues, I would cause others to question their testimonies. I had repeated nightmares about all of these scenarios.

A few weeks later I created another art piece in an online class called Calligraphy and Painting. I wrote out this Emily Dickinson poem about losing one’s faith. Even writing it out was scary and vulnerable. Was I really losing my faith? What did that mean?

XXXVI.

LOST FAITH.

TO lose one's faith surpasses
The loss of an estate,
Because estates can be
Replenished,—faith cannot.

Inherited with life,
Belief but once can be;
Annihilate a single clause,
And Being's beggary.

-Emily Dickinson

first draft of my calligraphy project, Lost Faith

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All this painting about pain and trauma was exhausting. Josh and the kids were so patient with me and gave me the space and time to do it. Sometimes after an intense painting session, I had to do a calming meditation, ask for a hug, or lie down for a while.

In one text to Josh I wrote:

“I feel really fatigued and anxious about it so I’m not going to my hair appointment. I’m just going to rest. I’m sorry I’m not present today for everyone. This is so hard and I could use a sweetie hug when you have a chance.”

One day, after a particularly emotional painting, I went into the house to clean my brushes and wash my hands. While I was at the sink, I had this feeling inside my soul and body that I can’t describe as anything else but a fullness. An expanding, beautiful fullness. It was new to me, so I asked myself and God, what is this feeling? And very clearly to my mind came , ‘Joy. This is joy, Rachel.” It came to me at that moment that joy is about allowing ourselves to feel every human emotion. To embrace the humanness in ourselves. Joy isn’t being happily giddy all the time. It is like seeing all of the earth’s seasons as part of a great whole. I was learning to embrace every part of me, all my emotions, my shadows, my faults, all my life experiences.

That was a life-changing moment for me.

a lettering sketch from 2021

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Why didn’t I face these demons, my shadows, my trauma before?

It’s strange. By that time, I had been in and out of therapy for 20 years. I had worked through many issues and learned ways to cope with my major depressive disorder. In a way, I had pushed down my trauma and pain so far that I didn’t know they were there. I think I was afraid of admitting that I had struggles. That I wasn’t perfect. That I was broken. I needed to be strong. Just buck up. I didn’t want to admit that some of my life experiences were really harmful, because I shouldn’t be dwelling on those things. I should be able to count my blessings and move on.

I was scared of myself because the church taught me to be scared of myself.

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” Mosiah 3:19

As a member of the church, I thought that “natural man” was any attribute I had that is not positive and Christlike. And I had to battle those attributes. Fight them. Flog myself with shame about them. Or pray like hell that the weakness will be turned into a strength.

All that definitely affected my ability to look at my issues in a healthy way. And also, maybe I just wasn’t ready to face my shadows until this point.

“Your heart is not a problem to be solved but a doorway to be entered.”

Cynthia Bourgeault

I have read that many people in high demand religions haven’t learned to acknowledge their shadow selves, to process all emotions and experiences in a healthy way. And sometimes the leaders discourage their followers from self-improvement, discovery, and authenticity. I mean heaven forbid if we think about ourselves for a moment.

Shadow work involves confronting our repressed emotions, traumas, and negative behaviors - even embracing these hidden parts of ourselves. Through the process we can gain more self-compassion and learn healthier ways of coping with our challenges. And we can strengthen our relationship to the divine.

Dominica Applegate from Sacred Humans Co writes:

As Christians, we can explore inner shadows with courage and faith. Shadow work helps us to reconnect with God on a deeper level by allowing us to gain insight into our core beliefs and motivations. It can help us to uncover hidden aspects of ourselves that may have been repressed or ignored, such as our fears and doubts.

Engaging in shadow work can also help us to gain a better understanding of ourselves and how we relate to God. By accepting all aspects of ourselves – both the dark and the light – we can find true inner peace and joy in our relationship with Him. Shadow work can also help us to gain clarity about our spiritual path and find guidance in times of struggle or uncertainty.

Shadow work is a sacred gift from God. It invites us to take a journey inward and explore our deepest, most hidden shadows (ego-identity) with humility and courage. By engaging in shadow work as Christians, we can cultivate true joy, peace, and connection with God.

Here are Dominica’s thoughts about why shadow work might be difficult for people in high demand Christian religions:

While shadow work has gained popularity in many spiritual and personal development circles, it is not widely embraced by the Christian and Catholic communities. This is because the concept of exploring and embracing one’s “shadow self” can be seen as contradictory to the teachings of Christianity, which emphasizes the importance of living a virtuous life and avoiding sin.

Additionally, some Christians may view the emphasis on self-exploration and self-improvement as being in conflict with the idea of surrendering “self” to God’s will and relying on divine intervention for personal transformation.

I have definitely felt that as a Mormon for my whole life. Don’t think about yourself too much. Avoid pride. Lose yourself in service. Give your will to God. Watch out for those self-improvement yahoos.

In a 2024 talk by Elder Ulisses Soares Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, he says,

During our sojourn in mortality, we often wrestle with what we think we know, what we think is best, and what we assume works for us, as opposed to comprehending what Heavenly Father actually knows, what is eternally best, and what absolutely works for children within His plan. This great wrestle can become very complex, especially considering the prophecies contained in the scriptures for our day: “This know also, that in the last days … men shall be lovers of their own selves, … lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God.” 2 Timothy 3:1–2, 4

One sign that indicates fulfillment of this prophecy is the current growing trend in the world, adopted by so many, of people becoming consumed with themselves and constantly proclaiming, “No matter what, I live my own truth or I do what works for me.” As Paul the Apostle said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” This way of thinking is often justified as being “authentic” by those who indulge in self-centered pursuits, focus on personal preferences, or want to justify certain types of behavior that frequently don’t match God’s loving plan and His will for them. If we let our heart and mind embrace this way of thinking, we can create significant stumbling blocks for ourselves in acquiring the most priceless pearl that God has lovingly prepared for His children—eternal life.

While it is true that each of us travels an individualized discipleship journey on the covenant path, striving to keep our hearts and minds centered on Christ Jesus, we need to be careful and constantly vigilant to not be tempted to adopt this type of worldly philosophy in our life. Elder Quentin L. Cook said that “being sincerely Christlike is an even more important goal than being authentic.”¹

I understand what he’s saying. Being consumed with yourself isn’t healthy and could cause you not to rely on God. He teaches that you can’t improve yourself just by willpower, but by repentance and relying on Christ’s grace.

In our church there is a big fear of selfishness and pride. But sometimes I feel like we’re being warned not to trust ourselves or know ourselves, which is a key part of personal growth. And if we can’t trust ourselves, of course, we must look to the brethren, the leaders, for what is “right" for us. Leaders telling members that they know what’s best for them preserves a loyal following. It maintains a kind of control, whether or not the leaders are meaning to do that.

I think a person can practice self-awareness, self-compassion and authenticity that aligns with God’s will. In fact, since we are God’s children, as we understand and embrace our true selves, we are embracing God.

I have felt that in my life. Through self work, therapy and learning to embrace myself more (because it’s really hard to undo years of unhealthy self beliefs), I feel a closer connection to God. Without anyone or anything monitoring that.

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We hear so many talks about forgetting yourself in service to God, being humble, being obedient, develop xyz spiritual habits - from a mostly white male leadership. But what might be healthy for privileged white men to do for spiritual conversion is not necessarily healthy for women, gender non conforming people, BIPOC people and those from non-Americanized cultures.

The author Elizabeth Gilbert shared these thoughts in 2017:

“Men will find their spiritual evolution in a different way than women. Men can only step into the "Divine Masculine" by learning how to be softer — by learning how to be humble, how to feel empathy, how to be self-sacrificing, how to put the needs of others before the raging demands of their own egos, how to share, how to forgive, how to be tender toward the vulnerable and suffering, and how to turn the other cheek instead of reacting with rage and violence.

But women — for the most part — don't need to learn this.

Women don't need to learn how to soften any more. (Trust me, most of us have got that "soft" part down already.) For the most part, the women of this world already KNOW how to be humble, empathic, self-sacrificing, sharing, forgiving, and tender. All that stuff is what we friggin DO — instinctively. So don't preach softness to us, dudes: We friggin INVENTED softness. Women have been putting the needs of others first forever. And heaven knows — women have been turning the other cheek since the beginning of time.

So when you try to teach peacefulness [or in this case spirituality] to women the same way you would teach [spirituality]to men (by telling us to be more soft) you run the risk of teaching women how to be only MORE meek, MORE subservient, MORE compliant, MORE self-sacrificing, MORE humble, MORE accepting of abuses, MORE susceptible to exploitation and predation, and MORE enabling and forgiving of outrageously bad behavior from men.

In other words: It is not enough to ask men to become more peaceful; women must become MORE FIRM.

Men have to find their hearts, yes — but women have to find their SPINES.

This is not about men becoming emasculated, or women becoming shrill; it's about rebalancing a poisoned world through a combination of men's righteous peace and women's righteous anger...such that we can all meet in the middle, on the common ground of basic decency and grace for all.

"I've had enough of this shit" is the last thing every woman on earth has ever said, right before she finally liberated herself from stupidity, violence, and oppression.

Around this time in 2021 I could feel my inner self screaming that something had to change about the way I was approaching my spirituality. My old ways served me for many years, but I was getting to the point in which those ways were killing me. But it would be a long time before I would be able to say, “I’ve had enough of this shit.”

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting - over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

"Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver

1. Soares, Ulisses. (2024, October). Aligning our Will with His. Liahona.