I have had this EXACT revelation! I wonder if perimenopause was created specifically for overwhelmed women to say, "I'm done" and God to respond,"FINALLY!" I remember sobbing in prayer saying "I've tried, you KNOW I've tried. I'll never be (fill in the MANY blanks). I've repented more times than I can count and I'm still not who you want me to be" I immediately heard in my bones "That's because I want you to be exactly as you already are. I need you here now as you are - as your loud, brash, messy, bull in the china shop self. I'm tired of you trying to be something you're not too. You don't need to repent of just being. You need to repent of listening to everyone else but ME. Jesus didn't die for you to be someone else, He suffered to understand you so he could heal you, not change you." I've never looked back. I LOVE our faith community now, because I participate on my terms, listening to my still small voice and being loud and brash and bull in the china shop open about it being doctrinally incorrect to discriminate for any reason and doctrinally correct to love EVERYONE. We are to enlarge our stakes, not close them off. I wear my rainbow ring on my temple shifts, openly express my love in testimony and classes for my Heavenly Mother or at least Parents, etc. I've never felt more joyful in church. This community is just as much mine as it is anyone else's. I'm not being rebellious, I'm just doing/being who I'm supposed to be. If I make you uncomfortable, that's ok, you probably make me uncomfortable too and it turns out, we both belong here; and are required to figure out how to love each other regardless. Whew! sorry, that was a long comment lol!
I completely spaced responding to this. I think there is something about midlife, perimenopause, where it is time for a complete unraveling. I'm so glad you are finding joy at church. I'm working on it.
Brene Brown:
"Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen."
I have had this EXACT revelation! I wonder if perimenopause was created specifically for overwhelmed women to say, "I'm done" and God to respond,"FINALLY!" I remember sobbing in prayer saying "I've tried, you KNOW I've tried. I'll never be (fill in the MANY blanks). I've repented more times than I can count and I'm still not who you want me to be" I immediately heard in my bones "That's because I want you to be exactly as you already are. I need you here now as you are - as your loud, brash, messy, bull in the china shop self. I'm tired of you trying to be something you're not too. You don't need to repent of just being. You need to repent of listening to everyone else but ME. Jesus didn't die for you to be someone else, He suffered to understand you so he could heal you, not change you." I've never looked back. I LOVE our faith community now, because I participate on my terms, listening to my still small voice and being loud and brash and bull in the china shop open about it being doctrinally incorrect to discriminate for any reason and doctrinally correct to love EVERYONE. We are to enlarge our stakes, not close them off. I wear my rainbow ring on my temple shifts, openly express my love in testimony and classes for my Heavenly Mother or at least Parents, etc. I've never felt more joyful in church. This community is just as much mine as it is anyone else's. I'm not being rebellious, I'm just doing/being who I'm supposed to be. If I make you uncomfortable, that's ok, you probably make me uncomfortable too and it turns out, we both belong here; and are required to figure out how to love each other regardless. Whew! sorry, that was a long comment lol!
I completely spaced responding to this. I think there is something about midlife, perimenopause, where it is time for a complete unraveling. I'm so glad you are finding joy at church. I'm working on it.
Brene Brown:
"Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen."