Chapter 13: Wounded
For days after that conference, I was so troubled by all of this that my heart center literally ached. I tried to go about my days as usual, but the ache was so heavy, I could hardly function.
In the fall of 2018, Aster started their sophomore year at ACMA and Gabe began 6th grade at Meadow Park Middle School. I was continuing individual and group therapy, volunteering for Art Lit at the middle school and serving in the Primary presidency. I was learning to not be so hard on myself, and practicing self care out of love, not fear.
A few months before, Gabe told me, “Mom, I’m just not a Christian anymore. I believe in science.” I responded “Well, what if God is the head scientist?” That kinda made him think, but didn’t change his mind. He didn’t want to go to church anymore. Both kids and Josh had “self-care Sundays.” I tried to find ways to encourage them in their own spiritual paths and to find new social activities.
I don’t remember the exact day I went to church without my kids or Josh for the first time. I do remember that it was hard and it made me sad. I felt the strong cultural pressure that mothers are responsible for getting their kids to heaven. “Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”1 I failed to keep my kids on the covenant path. When our kids “go astray” and our leaders warn us that there’s a danger that we won’t all be together in heaven, it’s no wonder we can get weighed down with the feeling of failure.
I also felt like I was disappointing my parents. The church is the most important thing in their lives next to family. My parents often expressed gratitude that all their kids were married in the temple and the grandkids were active in the church (at that time). I worried that they would feel betrayed and heartbroken that my family wasn’t following their strong spiritual foundation. I didn’t want to bring them heartache and sadness. That is really hard for the middle child who loves the church and always wanted to please her parents and make them proud.
But I also knew that I couldn’t force my husband and kids to stay in the church. That would’ve been disastrous. I had to learn to honor their individual paths and embrace all of them, no matter their religious beliefs.
Walking into the building that Sunday, I said to myself, “Well, Rachel. Here we are. It’s not what you hoped for, but this is how it’s going to be. And it's okay.” I knew I was not alone. Several of my good friends came to church by themselves each Sunday. I felt strengthened by their example and support.
Along with grieving the loss of what I had hoped for my family in the church, I was also mad at the church for excommunicating the member who led the movement to stop sexually explicit youth interviews. It was so aggravating. What was this saying about what the church leaders thought about all this? I was getting a little too wound up about the whole issue so my therapist had to remind me to take a break from thinking about it.
I was dealing with so many hard things: Anger towards the church, Josh talking about resigning his church membership; parenting my autistic children through their struggles; dealing with the spiritual conflict of the church’s teachings about gay people; attending church by myself. I needed a visit with Mom and Dad. I went to their house one weekend in September to spend time with them.
One night I sat down with them in their bedroom to talk about my problems. They already knew that my kids and Josh didn’t believe in the church anymore, and now I had to tell them another disappointing thing: Aster is gay. Aster had only told a few people up to that point, and asked me to break the news to Mom and Dad. I was worried because I didn’t really know what to expect from their response. And yet I wasn’t surprised that they both were calm, loving and kind when I told them.
I explained that part of Aster’s decision not to attend church was because the teachings about gay people were hurtful and harmful. I told them that Josh and I supported Aster in their sexual identity and expression. Mom asked some questions: how did Aster know they were gay? Did we suspect it ahead of time? Dad didn’t say much, but did express his love for Aster, as did Mom.
I asked Dad to give me a blessing. I surely needed it. He put on his white shirt and tie, put his strong hands on my head, and gave me a sweet and meaningful blessing. Among other things, he spoke of the burdens put on Alma and his people in the Book of Mormon. The Lord didn’t take away their burdens immediately, but strengthened them that they could bear their burdens.
14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.2
That blessing was a great strength to me and a reminder of God’s love for me. I had hope that God would make me stronger and more capable, but it was a big stretch to hope that I would “submit cheerfully” to the will of the Lord. =)
A few weeks later, the October 2018 General Conference was held. There was a lot of anticipation of what exciting things President Nelson might announce that weekend.
He announced Come, Follow Me—For Individuals and Families, a new curriculum that would begin in January 2019. He said “It is time for a home-centered church, supported by what takes place inside our branch, ward, and stake buildings.”
He then asked that we no longer use terms like “LDS Church” and “Mormon Church”, and to please use the full name of the church when talking about it. I still haven’t gotten used to that. Mormon was also taken out of the title of the church choir, which was renamed The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square.
Then, one of my favorite announcements of all time: Two Hour Church. Can I get a hallelujah?! I don’t think I realized how much I needed a shorter church time until it was announced. My fatigue made it so difficult to get through three hours. And I know the little kids I worked with in Primary would benefit from a shorter church session.
I’m sure there were talks that inspired me that weekend, but all of those were forgotten when President Dallin H. Oaks gave his talk, titled “The Truth and the Plan.”
Here are some quotes from his talk:
“…gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose” and that “marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.”
“ some are troubled by some of our Church’s positions on marriage and children. Our knowledge of God’s revealed plan of salvation requires us to oppose current social and legal pressures to retreat from traditional marriage and to make changes that confuse or alter gender or homogenize the differences between men and women.”
“Our positions on these fundamentals frequently provoke opposition to the Church. We consider that inevitable. Opposition is part of the plan, and Satan’s most strenuous opposition is directed at whatever is most important to God’s plan.” “He also seeks to confuse gender, to distort marriage,...”
“The work of the Lord is going forward despite the organized and constant opposition that confronts us as we strive to practice the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For those who falter under that opposition, I offer these suggestions.
Remember the principle of repentance made possible by the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell urged, don’t be among those “who would rather try to change the Church than to change themselves.”
“Hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes… In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know.”3
The sassy part of me wanted to shout out President Oaks’ own quote: “But not everything that’s true is useful!”
I know that we are counseled not to criticize the leaders of the church. Maybe I am criticizing. I’m not afraid of conflict or differing beliefs anymore. If I question a leader it does not mean I am being influenced by the adversary. It means I am a human with my own unique opinions, circumstances and trauma. What I need is validation and healing, not condescension and shame.
In Chapter 9, I wrote about how difficult my inner conflict is between wanting to sustain a prophet and affirming my child’s gender expression and sexuality. President Oaks’ remarks just aggravated that conflict. To hear from someone I sustain as a prophet of God say all those harmful things caused a great pain and conflict in my soul. Would God really inspire a prophet to say such hurtful things?
We are required to oppose gay marriage? We are required to oppose gender expressions outside of the binary? That is not the message I get from God when I pray about this. I get the message that it’s wonderful to support those things. I have felt the Spirit tell me that my children are beautiful, worthy of love and marriage and expression in the way that they want to. I won’t oppose it. Also, are opposing ideas always from the adversary?
I felt like President Oaks was saying if you disagreed or feel uncomfortable about the church’s fundamental teaching about the family, or if you are gay or transgender, it is because you are under Satan’s influence. Oh believe me, that has crossed my mind. The fear of the devil has been so ingrained in me, that I have spent years worried that the devil was just a step away from pulling me under if I disagreed with anything or made a mistake or went to the grocery store on a Sunday. My goodness, that is so suffocating. I just can’t live with that unhealthy fear anymore.
Here’s another thought about our LGBTQ+ community: Do we really think that God - the all-knowing, omnipotent, loving, glorious, creative Creator of all things - can only handle male and female gender expressions and heterosexual relationships? Given the variety of people, animals, plants, universes, ecosystems, cultures, and languages They created, it seems that God delights in diversity and individual expression.
We hear, oh the gays are welcome in our church and we just love them so much. But here’s the thing. The doctrine is still front and center that ONLY cisgender heterosexual men married to cisgender heterosexual women (multiple women if you desire) are eligible to receive God’s highest kingdom of glory. Imagine being told that you are loved but you don’t get to be in the same heaven as the more qualified people. As if anyone actually really can earn that all by themselves.
I talked about this recently with my children, who are both gay. Aster is non-binary and pansexual. Gabe is bisexual. They gave me their permission to share their thoughts.
Aster:
“This is one of those things that I just do not get about your experience with the church, and I have come to peace with that mostly - I hear those church leaders say hateful things about queer people and I leave. I’m like, ok, I'm gone. Goodbye, you don’t want me. Actions speak louder than words. They can say ‘we love gay people, we love trans people but…’ It’s that but. They don’t actually love queer people; they just have the chronic niceness of Mormonism. It’s just PR. They can’t outright say they hate gay people.”
[Regarding being in separate heavens]: “Because I don’t really believe in all of the celestial kingdom stuff, it doesn’t really hurt. I don’t feel excluded or hurt about my eternal glory, but ok, bigot. It makes me mad, but if I got super mad about every bigoted person ever, I would explode.”
Gabe:
“Honestly, If you don’t like me because I’m bi? Cool. I don’t want to be in your f***ing church. I didn’t want to in the first place. I’ve got ADHD, I can’t sit still for three hours. My dad already doesn’t go to church, and now they’re saying they don’t like my sibling, well f*** you then!”
Frankly, I am sick and tired of the speculation on who will go where and who deserves which kingdom. Just because we have the revelation that tells us a few things, doesn’t mean we need to be passing judgment on everyone about where they will go. This obsession about which kingdom we’ll qualify for leads to a few harmful things:
We forget or diminish the importance of the Savior’s atonement, mission and grace.
It’s plain arrogant. We can be so damn proud of ourselves for qualifying.
It perpetuates fear-based teaching which in turn leads to terrible anxiety and shame. “If you don’t do xyz then you won’t get to heaven.”
It distracts us from living in the present. When I am stressed out about what will happen with me and my loved ones in the afterlife, I am less present with them now. It is too confusing and shame-inducing for me to live in the shoulds. I can only live in my reality now, in the present, and trust that God will work everything out.
It makes it all an “us” (the righteous people) and “them” (the unrighteous or unblessed people).
We can get so caught up in what we know, in the revelations that we have about eternal families and the kingdoms of glory, that we forget that we actually don’t know a whole lot about it in the grand scheme of things.
And then there’s “For those who falter under that opposition should repent and don’t try to change the church.” So if I don’t agree with something, I’m faltering under opposition and need to repent? Well, I definitely need to repent about a lot of things. But I think our individual voices are valuable and are worth hearing.
As you can tell, President Oaks’ talk really got me riled up. For days after that conference, I was so troubled by all of this that my heart center literally ached. Even as I write this I feel that pain. I tried to go about my days as usual, but the ache was so heavy, I could hardly function. I didn’t know what to do. Condemn my child? Lose trust in the prophet? What was I supposed to do?
I realized after that conference that deeply feeling the inner conflict, worry, stress and anguish was too much to bear and got in the way of me trying to live in peace and love. I have since then limited my listening to general conferences and our leaders, as a matter of self-care.
You will read in the next few years of my journey that I was hurt by the church leaders’ teachings over and over again. It was so traumatizing. Why are some people so affected and upset by church stuff but others aren’t? Does it really have to do with faithfulness? Is it a weakness? A sin? What am I supposed to do with the hurt?
I know I have hurt others and would hope for grace from them, so maybe I just need to give the church grace and move on? But the church claims to be led by God, so I hold it to a different standard.
It’s hard to just give it to the Lord when my understanding of the Lord comes from the leaders. My whole life I have been so tied to what the brethren say about everything and hung on their every word. If I’m so dependent on the church for my spirituality, how can I truly develop my own relationship with deity?
I wonder if this is religious codependency. Some of you may think, yeah, Rachel, we kinda noticed that. =) I think part of my spiritual journey in the past several years has been learning to untangle my religious codependency. I am figuring out how to do just that.
“Family: A Proclamation to the World.” (1995, November). paragraph 7.
The Book of Mormon. Trans. Joseph Smith, Jr. Salt Lake City, UT: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1981, Mosiah 24: 14-15.
Oaks, Dallin H. (2018 October). The Truth and the Plan.