Chapter 14: Devotion or Codependency?

I have come to realize that I have been a codependent person for most of my life.

People, this week has been groundbreaking for me. 

I have come to realize that I have been a codependent person for most of my life. I see it especially in my relationship with my ex-husband and with the church. It explains so much. 

• I thought I was being a peacekeeper. But I learned to ignore my own needs.

• I thought I inherently had a lot of empathy. But I took on others’ pain and tried to make them feel better.

• I thought I was patient. But I excused others’ bad behavior and didn’t have healthy boundaries.

• I thought I was being Christlike. But I let people walk all over me.  

• I thought I was being unified. But I relied on external sources for approval and identity.

• I thought I was being faithful. But I couldn’t make a decision without wondering what church leaders would think. 

• I thought I was keeping a close relationship with God. But I thought that I was responsible for God’s feelings.

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For some reason I used to think that codependency had more to do with substance addictions. But it is really so much more. “The codependent’s “drug” of choice is the addict”.¹  I have been researching about it and I have learned so much about myself. I’ll share a few main points about codependency and then more about religious codependency. 

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What is codependency?

Proudly misidentifying as an empath to justify our unboundaried emotional caretaking of others at the expense of their autonomy and our own health and well being. @antoniadolhaine

Being incredibly loyal to people that hurt you over and over again is called codependency. @the.holistic.psychologist 

From the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, the author Nedra Glover Tawwab writes:

“In codependent relationships, we believe we must help people avoid consequences, saving them from unpleasant experiences. We think it’s our role to protect them. But rather than protect, we enable the other person to continue their unhealthy behavior.”

Codependency is well-meaning, but we suffer because our own needs are often unmet or unnoticed. In fact, as codependents, we have a hard time distinguishing our needs from the needs of the other person. 

Examples of codependency in relationships:

• Overextending yourself

• Avoiding discussions about real issues or problems

• Making excuses for the poor behavior of others

• Tending to other people's needs and neglecting your own

• Doing things for people instead of helping them do things for themselves

• Being the rescuer in relationships

• Take on the stress of others

• “I can only feel myself when I’m taking care of someone else”²

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Check, check, check. I check all those boxes. 

Of course, I’m not saying that empathy, compassion, and wanting to help others are bad characteristics, and I’m not codependent in all of my relationships. But I certainly have a tendency towards turning those characteristics into unhealthy patterns of behavior.

Codependency is usually learned in childhood, where we perceive that in order to be loved, we have to be hyper aware of the emotions of those around us. Codependent people look externally to find approval and worthiness, and don’t have a strong sense of self. All that can lead to low self worth, repressed feelings, unhealthy boundaries, exhaustion, anxiety and depression. And never ever being enough.

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Now, how does this relate to religious codependency?

For many people, their church is a place of belonging and positive religious teachings. It gives a sense of peace and purpose. I have definitely loved that about my church. Finding that solid ground is a life-saver for a lot of people. For people who had a dysfunctional or chaotic family life growing up, a church community can especially provide what was lacking during childhood: a structured, loving community where they feel valued and needed.

Some say that the Christian religious system is built for codependency. Maybe it is. Like other high-demand religions, the Mormon Church can certainly reinforce codependence with the over-emphasis on self-sacrificial and fear-based teachings like:

• You must carry the burdens of others.

• Lose yourself in the service of others.

• Come to the rescue.

• Think little of yourself. 

• Thinking about your needs is self-centered and leads to pride and your downfall.

• Don’t trust yourself. You are carnal and devilish. 

• You cannot make good decisions by yourself, you should consult church leaders.

• Only trust the church leaders

• Submit to men and the Priesthood.

• Never say no to a calling.

• Don’t seek advice from non-Mormons.

• Study about spirituality from only church-approved materials.

• The gospel can solve all your problems.

• Count your blessings and don’t complain.

• You can qualify for celestial glory if you do exactly what we say.

• You are responsible for the salvation of your family.

• If you don’t share the gospel with that person, you will be held responsible for not bringing them to salvation. 

• You promised people in the pre-existence that you would find them and save them, and you will be held accountable.

• The more you serve in the church, and sacrifice time with your family, the more you will be blessed.

• If you follow the church leaders and are righteous enough, you will financially prosper and your family will be active in the church. 

• Our church is the only true church and we should be loyal to only the church.

• People outside the church can’t actually find true joy.

• Us vs. the world.

• Don’t criticize the leaders.

• Protect the church at all costs.

• We are persecuted more than any other church or group of people.

• God is happy and pleased when we’re good. He’s disappointed and sad when we’re not.³

I have been particularly skilled in self-sacrifice, thinking little of myself and following the leaders without question.

Self-sacrifice

“I was conditioned to believe that it was my responsibility to mentor, struggle-with, help-carry-the-burdens-of, and self-sacrifice for the sake of others and the Kingdom of God.”  -Brittany Doll

My parents and church leaders taught me to be unselfish, helpful and serve others. Those are good things. Serving each other can lift the spirits of both the giver and the receiver. But because of my tendency to lack boundaries, push myself hard, and the church culture of self-sacrifice, I have often overextended myself. I thought I must “lose myself in service”, “put others first” and “give everything to the church.” Also, because I felt so badly about myself, I hoped that I could earn more favor and forgiveness from God by serving others with all my might. And frankly it fed my need for approval to be known as someone that could be depended on.

I spent years pushing through my health issues and fatigue, because without being able to physically help others, where was my value? In our society, productivity = worth. Add on top of that the terrible disconnect with my body, I was willing to push myself way past my limits, and be proud of that in a warped kind of way. It took me serving in a calling to the point of utter physical exhaustion a few years ago to realize that I just couldn’t keep that up. I really struggle with the inner voice that tells me I am valued less because I don’t have the physical capacity to serve others as much as I used to. That inner voice also likes to tell me that advocating for myself is selfish and selfish is bad. Thankfully I have been practicing saying no in the past few years, honoring my limitations and advocating for myself. 

I wonder if some members decide not to be active in the church because they have served others to the point of utter physical and emotional exhaustion. The strong lack of boundaries in the church culture can lead to feeling used, burned out, underappreciated, frustrated, resentful and angry. Some people just can’t take it anymore. 

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Think little of yourself. 

Oh, I had this down pat. As a youth and young adult I thought that being humble was about self-loathing and being self-deprecating. After all, we’re naturally sinful and terrible and “less than the dust of the earth.” ⁴

“Whoever exalts himself will be humbled; but whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” (Matthew 23: 12)

When I received a compliment, more often than not I would respond with something like:

Oh, it’s nothing.

Anyone could’ve done that.

Ugh. It was terrible.

You’re just saying that. 

All to make sure people didn’t think I was stuck up. Which probably happened anyway. I think internally I was happy about my accomplishments, but I really tried not to show that outwardly. It’s really kinda warped that I was proud of my low self worth and false humility. I became terrified of pride due to President Benson’s talk and the lessons about pride causing the great downfall of the Nephites. 

It’s understandable that someone can get caught in this strange spiral: A codependent person already has low self worth, and then low self worth is inadvertently encouraged by church, which leads to more codependence on the church. You think that your worth only comes when you do exactly what the leaders say and sacrifice for the church. 

I became really good at false humility.  As I’ve read about it, many authors consider it as much a sin as boasting. It’s a “subtle form of self-righteousness” and “a twisted form of pride.” Well, great. Just when I’m trying to avoid pride, I’m prideful. 

Instead of beating ourselves up about having false humility and being overconsumed with thinking of it as a huge evil sin, I think we can be curious about how we got there. It seems to me that a lot of factors come together to cause false humility, and it takes time and unlearning internalized self-beliefs to come to understand true humility.

To be humble is to recognize gratefully our dependence on the Lord—to understand that we have constant need for His support. Humility is an acknowledgment that our talents and abilities are gifts from God. It is not a sign of weakness, timidity, or fear; it is an indication that we know where our true strength lies. We can be both humble and fearless. We can be both humble and courageous.

Gospel Topics; Humility

Overly concerned with pleasing leaders

Religious codependency can show up when we are overly concerned with pleasing church leaders, so much that we compromise our own integrity. You only feel good when you know the leader approves of you. You depend on the church leaders to validate and approve of your worthiness. 

I was always taught to revere the General Authorities; after all, I sustain them as prophets, seers and revelators. But I think I became deeply enmeshed with them, relying on every word they spoke, every opinion, every action. I thought that was what a devoted disciple does. I was paranoid that any opinion I had that was different from theirs was from the devil and would lead to my eternal damnation. I wanted to “follow the prophet” because it was right for me, but a lot of the time I followed out of fear and shame. I feel like the brethren became the mediators of my salvation. 

No wonder I became deeply hurt by them over and over again. 

“If the hurt and traumatic experience is from a religious institution, its leadership or its membership who said “Follow our rules, and you will be safe. Follow our rules, and you will be saved,” then people find themselves doubly hurt when they find out this is not true. The first betrayal is they were given a false worldview, and the very person(s) who violated that worldview were the same system selling that story.

“In an unhealthy or abusive religious context, codependency can be rampant. Community members are codependent on the intuition and the dogma, the institution is dependent on the doctrines, and the abused/traumatized persons often find themselves in the middle of a web of codependency - on the family system, community, institution, doctrines and beyond.”

“Enmeshment is a function of codependency. To be enmeshed is as it sounds. It is when two things are strongly bound together, like a wire fence…When someone is enmeshed, it is hard to identify personal feelings, thoughts, and aspirations - this person is so wound around someone else or another community/system, that it is impossible to know the “I” outside of the “we”. ⁵

Now I have more of an understanding of why church stuff hurts me so much. It’s not that I’m oversensitive, led by the devil, being led astray, listening to outside influences too much, being less faithful, or I don’t study the scriptures enough. I have developed a codependent relationship with the church in which I have tied myself to every teaching, every leader and every commandment, so that when their teachings are harmful, I really feel deeply pained, betrayed and invalidated. The very system that encouraged codependence is saying it’s my fault that I’m so sensitive and that I “choose to be offended.”

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Serving a codependent God

Religious codependency can also show up when we are serving a codependent God. 

I was taught in the church that God is a male being. I am His daughter and He loves me. I believed it, but I also believed that if I messed up, I displeased God. And I messed up a lot. If I was facing trials, I thought He must be punishing me for not being righteous enough. I believed that He blesses only those who follow the rules and punishes those who don’t. That pattern is all throughout the Book of Mormon stories. No wonder I felt that way.

For much of my life, I felt perpetually unworthy and constantly wondered if I was pleasing God and making the right choices. There were some low points in my life where I thought God hated me. Now I know some of those dark feelings were caused by mental illness, but it certainly didn’t help that many scriptures and teachings reflect a strict, vengeful, unmerciful father, who is, most of all, just. 

Suppose for a moment that God has poor boundaries. Or that God spends his days in a frenzy, trying to get us to make the right choices. Or that God’s mood is completely dependent on the choices we make: happy when we make good choices, but sad when we make bad choices…If we serve a Higher Power with any of these characteristics, we are probably in for a very troubled relationship. It is possible to serve a codependent God, but it is physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausting

If we were raised in an environment where codependency was common, we may gravitate to a “God” of this kind. This form of religious codependency is typically learned early in life. As young children many of us were taught that God’s mood was dependent on our behavior. If we did certain things, God was happy. If we did other things, God was sad…In spite of how little sense this makes, this distorted image of God leads many of us to tip-toe through our Christian lives, trying to do everything possible to prevent God from having a negative mood-swing. Because, after all, you know what happens if we do something that puts God in a bad mood. We are in deep trouble and are going to pay the price one way or another..⁶

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It is interesting that at the beginning stages of my spiritual upheaval, I was led to question a lot of those unhealthy, codependent teachings and behaviors I listed above. 

• Is thinking about my needs really wicked?

• Is it possible that I could trust myself?

• Could I say no to a calling and also feel that God supported me in that?

• Is there more to spiritual learning outside of church resources?

• Are the church leaders really perfect and the only ones I can trust?

• Is it ok for me to pray to Heavenly Mother?

• Perhaps God loves me just as I am?

I felt my ancestors and Heavenly Parents leading me to recognize that my codependent relationship with God and the church was not healthy. They led me to question teachings and opinions and explore other ways of spiritual understanding. I began to understand that my anger towards the church and the brethren was teaching me that some serious boundaries were being crossed. 

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So the question is, how can I cherish the doctrines I believe in, sustain the leaders, and find spiritual nourishment in the church WITHOUT a codependent relationship? What does a healthy relationship with the church look like?

I’m still working on figuring that out, because I want to stay.

The way we attach can be healthy or unhealthy and conditional on the primary relationship (parentage in family and faith) that teaches us all we know of love and loving. In a healthy attachment we can know how to love and be loved, but we can also be independent beings. In an unhealthy attachment we are overly dependent on our love object (be it person or deity) and feel we cannot function without being in their presence constantly or having their assistance to do even the basic functions of life. Unhealthy attachment is the sweet spot of a fundamentalist system - it feeds on that need and holds on too tight. Learning to find the balance of love, community and faith is a learned experience, and it can be very difficult to move from unhealthy to healthy attachments - it means restructuring the whole way a person functions in all manner of relationships. 

Teresa Pasquale; Sacred Wounds

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1. Ryan, Dale & VanVonderen, Jeff. When Religion Goes Bad: Part 3 — Religious Codependency. nacr.org.

2. Glover Tawwab, Nedra. Set Boundaries, Find Peace. TarcherPerigee; 2021.

3. Brown, KC. (2021, January 24). How Christianity Encourages Codependence: And How to Recover. Medium.com.

Trotter, Jonathan. (2021, October 15) A Lament for the American Church (or how I’m processing my codependent relationship with the church). alifeoverseas.com

4. Helaman 12:7 (The Book of Mormon)

5. Pasquale, Teresa B. Sacred Wounds: A Path to Healing from Spiritual Trauma. Chalice Press; 2015.

6. Ryan, Dale & Van Vonderen, Jeff. When Religion Goes Bad: Part 3 — Religious Codependency. nacr.org.